Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
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I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
The pasta is now
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁