That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
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I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
Venn
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*