Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
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In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.