Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
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My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.