advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
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My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
SCARY COSTUME
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*