Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
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Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
CRYING
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]