skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
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You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
Best seat on the street 😍
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’