Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
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The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27