Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
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[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
who wore it better?
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
Need WebMD
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
[adds another nod to the conversation]
PER MY LAST EMAIL
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants