Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
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The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
Well. That’s not a good sign.
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM