Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
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Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?