“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
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I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*