Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
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Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
Good news
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry