Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
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Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
I feel it
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
i understand that my body can’t digest corn or whatever. that’s fine. my issue is that i f****** chewed it. how the hell is it coming out back in the shape of corn. what are they not telling us
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.