Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
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[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
I used to be married, but I’m better now
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.