Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
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my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement