Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
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My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
this will hang in the louvre one day
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!