me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
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Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica