do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
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I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”