In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
You Might Also Like
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese