This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
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“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?