Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
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I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.