Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
You Might Also Like
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?