Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
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a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.