[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
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Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
I don’t watch a lot of UFC fights, but when I do, I like to pause them when someone gets punched or trapped in a weird position, and say, “I bet you’re wondering how I got here”
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
*eats only grass-fed donuts
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.