If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
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[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
the prophecies have been fulfilled
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous