Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
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Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
*Me on a first date* centaurs have two rib cages
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows