Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
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I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it