I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
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trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?