“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
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TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
happy valentine’s day to me