“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
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I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
*lint rolls you awake*
Donkey Kong sommelier
DOOO EEEET
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.