(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
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Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
They grow up so quick
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift