I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
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Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
Jogging
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.