There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
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[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.