I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
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*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
Note to self: always read the final line
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
This forever.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs