I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
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[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
this country is so goddamn polarized
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?