Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
You Might Also Like
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
GOD: okay everyone gets one thing from this bag of traits
ELEPHANT: i shall take a long nose
GOD: how fun
BUTTERFLY: i shall have beautiful wings
GOD: oho yes very charming
MOSQUITO: i shall be a heinous little b***h
GOD: you know what this is my fault i did put that in the bag
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
me when i see my girls butt