I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
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I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.