Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
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[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
i’m sure it’s fine
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check