My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
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Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.