Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
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I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
That 👊
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*