[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
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check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
Found the job I’m suited for
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”