I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
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Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”