It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
You Might Also Like
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
I would move hell over six inches for you
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
classic mixup
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.