“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
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guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.