Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
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‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps