My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
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Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”