me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
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My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?