Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
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They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.