We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
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The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
😂😂
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.